Motherhood.

The awful awesome experience. 

It's hard to really explain what it feels like to be a mom. I read countless books, online articles, watched documentaries, and talked with family and friends... but nothing can quite prepare you for being a mom,

like being a mom. 

The best part of 2013 was having baby Decs.

 The hardest part of 2013 was having baby Decs.

As I sit here writing this, 

I can't help but have one eye on the baby monitor, watching him as he sleeps. I love him with a different part of my heart, one that I didn't know I had. Although I am completely smitten now, we got off to a rough start. All I remember, when driving home from the hospital, was praying. 

Praying that somehow we would get home safe and when we got home, I would know what to do with him. Giving birth was the easy part, raising him seems to be the challenge. The first couple weeks were absolutely foreign. And to be honest, they were down right awful. I

 was leaking from everywhere possible, the most tender parts of my body were throbbing, I woke up in milk every few hours, Declan wouldn't nurse, he wouldn't sleep, and he wouldn't stop crying due to gas, aaaand the hormones, OHH the hormones. 

What was a girl to do? Is there any type of return or exchange policy here? I was in way over my head. I had really done it now. I don't remember how it all became so awesome. How I somehow managed to figure out his cries, his feedings, 

his nap schedules, and his bed time routine. Somehow I was able to figure it all out, for the most part. I am by no means an expert here, 
But I can finally say (honestly) that 
I love being a mom. 

Being a mom means, my new alarm clock has become my little rooster in the next room, I am on call 24/7, I am responsible for a tiny human's life, 
I haven't gotten more than 5 hours straight of sleep since he was born, 
I feel absolutely exhausted at the end of every day but can't quite figure out what exactly I did all day, 
I pump around the clock (that's right, he still wont nurse),
I somehow don't have time for anything at all, 
I haven't showered alone in months (he will  not take a bath, I have to resort to showering with him, if I want the crying to stop), 
my hair has been in the same messy bun since Tuesday, 
my body has been in my same messy PJ's since... I don't even know,
my nails, well, lets be real...those still look amazing, 
my days are planned around his naps, 
date night has now become, "we can only go out if we can get him to sleep in his car seat the whole time", night, 
I have started to prefer staying in rather than going out (that's right, for Valentine's day we ordered in), 
and when we do finally go out, things tend to get a little squirly. 

Exhibit A: Joe and I went out to one of our ward's

 parties, some Christmas thing, or something... anyway, I had forgotten what freedom felt like! I danced so hard I think my sweat permanently ruined my shirt. Gross? Did you read what I look like right now? Does it even matter? That being said... I also danced so hard at one point Joe had to sit down and take a break (classic), and I was dancing alone in a sea full of married couples. I'm not even the slightest bit embarrassed. It was nice to know I still knew how to work it. Needless to say... 

life has changed. 

Life is crazy, overwhelming, hard, 
unpredictable, and oh so very very great. 

I love having my own little family. 

It makes a girl grateful for everything she had to go through, to get to this point.

I wouldn't trade all this craziness for 

how things used to be. 

I love my Joe and I love my Dec. 

I also love everyone that made it so much easier and better,

 when I had my baby boy

(I didn't cook for 3 months). 

For everyone that made so much effort, thank you. 

Here's to another great year :)  

2014, bring on the madness!